Why Does My Husband Put Me Down? (Reasons & Solutions)


Unhappy couple

If your husband puts you down, the first thing to know is that it’s not your fault.

Sometimes we take our problems out on the very people we love the most.

There could be many reasons he’s doing this and you don’t have to put up with it.

In this article I go through why he does it, what you can do about it, and what the future holds.

Why does he do it?

A husband who is putting his wife down has personal issues he can’t resolve. He’s taking them out on her because it makes him feel better about himself. His behavior must be challenged to stop it affecting his wife negatively.

6 Ways your husband can put you down

Sometimes it can be subtle, and you don’t notice. But these are ways he can put you down which, over time, can really affect how you feel about him and yourself.

1. He belittles you

If he dismisses what you say and you don’t feel you have any importance in the relationship, he’s belittling you. It’s as if your opinions don’t count and he makes all the decisions.

If he can’t say anything positive to you and doesn’t respect what you have to say. These are indications he’s putting you down.

It’s the sort of thing you may not notice and accept, but he’s treating you as though you’re inferior to him. You don’t have to put up with this and you don’t have to please him either.

2. He picks on everything you do

Do you get the impression you can’t do anything right when he’s around? Is he needlessly going after little things you say and do? Does he make a big deal out of them?

He may be finding faults and complaining about what you’ve done. This isn’t healthy or productive. He should be encouraging his wife, not discouraging her.

After a while, you won’t want to do anything and fear when he wants to talk to you. What he’s doing is unnecessary and is a reflection on him more than you.

3. He criticizes you

This is not something a husband should be doing to his wife. You wouldn’t criticize a friend and the behavior shouldn’t exist in a marriage either.

He is judging and blaming you. He’s disapproving of you and he shouldn’t be finding problems in who you are or what you do.

By doing this, he’s putting you down. No one is perfect and neither is he. He needs to accept that and leave you alone with his remarks.

4. He embarrasses you

Do you feel ashamed of some of the things he does? Does it make you feel self conscious by the way he behaves?

You don’t need to feel this way. You have the right to expect him to conduct himself without making you feel awkward.

Everyone should be able to express themselves, especially a husband. But he shouldn’t be making you feel embarrassed in social situations.

5. He puts you down in front of others

There can be a certain acceptance of putting you down in the privacy of your own home. Doing it in front of others is not on.

Doing it in front of other people shows what little respect he has for how you feel. What the people who witness it must think of your husband.

To display to others what you think of your wife by putting her down is a sign that your husband has a problem, not you.

6. He looks down on you

Some men are like this with women in general. Hopefully, your husband isn’t one of them. If it’s not something he’s always done, then it’s something he can stop doing.

If he’s condescending to you in any way, no matter how frequently. This is a way of putting you down and is not good for a healthy marriage.

A husband should see his wife as an equal and if he looks down on you, he’s not doing that. It needs to be challenged whenever he does it.

The affect it’s having on you

The shocking thing is we would never put up with this behavior from a stranger or a friend. But when it’s done in a marriage by the one we love, we accept it.

If your husband does even one of the things I’ve mentioned above, it’s not acceptable. However often he does it is not on because it shouldn’t happen at all.

It can affect how you view your husband and yourself. Over time you’ll start to resent him and even dislike him. This will happen without you realizing it.

You won’t love him anymore and you won’t want to get intimate with him. You’ll stop talking to him and you won’t want to spend time with him.

Your self esteem will be affected. With someone putting you down, you’ll start to question yourself. You may start thinking you’re not worth it, and that maybe he’s right.

You’ll go quiet, inward and withdrawn. It’s not healthy for you and it will affect the relationships you have with other people.

If there are children in the marriage, they will see his behavior towards you. You don’t want them to see it as normal, so you have to do something about it.

5 Reasons why your husband does this

You’ll notice the reasons are all problems with him. You’re not doing anything to cause him to be this way, and you don’t deserve it.

1. He has problems

This could be something you know about or not. He is trying to deal with something that’s troubling him and it could be internal or external.

Instead of dealing with the problem, he’s expressing himself in an unhealthy way. He may not realize he’s doing it, but he’s targeting you.

If he can’t see a way of dealing with the problem. He may bring it home to you, which is what he’s doing if he’s putting you down.

2. He’s taking something out on you

Some people do this as a way of coping. They can’t seem to deal with any issues they may have and take it out on someone else.

It’s nearly always taken out on the person closest to them and that’s their spouse. It’s a reflection of someone with a bad character but he may have been brought up to think it’s normal.

He does it to make him feel better at your expense. It’s a nasty thing to do and the only result is making you feel bad about yourself.

Unhappy couple
young couple in conflict, male with a tablet in hands

3. He doesn’t love you anymore

For whatever reason, he may have fallen out of love with you. He doesn’t care and may not want to be with you, so he puts you down.

Maybe he doesn’t have the guts to talk about it so he puts you down so you fall out of love with him. It’s his way of trying to end the marriage.

He knows you can’t put up with it for long, but if it gets the result he’s looking for. Then it will have been worth doing for him.

4. Someone is doing it to him

Maybe at work, his family or friends are giving him the put down treatment. A supervisor at work could be overly criticising him and making him feel worthless.

A friend may have started looking down on your husband. Maybe someone dislikes your husband or a friend is criticizing him.

We often have the tendency to replicate the behavior that’s done to us onto someone else. In this case the husband is doing it to his wife.

5. He’s jealous of you

Maybe you’ve had some recent success or good news. Your husband may feel inferior to you all of a sudden.

He may not like the new you when you’re happy and confident. He may feel threatened if he’s the one who normally does the decision making.

He may not like the new life you’re leading. While he’s doing the same thing he did when you got married. He may wonder what you still see in him and wants to bring you down.

5 Ways to stop your husband putting you down

Before you make any rash decisions, you probably want him to stop what he’s doing. You married him after all, so it’s worth trying to save your marriage.

1. Talk to him

Does he even realize what he’s doing? Does he know these put downs are hurting you and the marriage? Does he know you’re starting to resent him?

Hopefully, this is all news to him, and he can do something about it. If he loves you, he wouldn’t want you feeling dejected and worthless.

Pick a good time and sit him down. He must know this is serious. It may be difficult to be assertive after the way he’s been treating you, but you must try.

2. Set boundaries

Once he knows what he’s doing and that it’s wrong. Have him take a step back from reacting towards you if he’s had a stressful day.

He has to think more productively towards you and not criticize. Tell him to go to a separate room if he feels he can’t behave properly.

By setting boundaries he’ll learn he can’t keep doing this and identify ways he can stop it happening. It’s down to him to make the effort in this.

3. Get marriage counseling

If he’s up for it, which he should be to save your marriage. Seek professional help. Someone who can give an objective opinion.

He’ll be able to hear it from someone who’s independent of you both, what is right and wrong. He’ll hear confirmation that what he’s doing is disrespectful and can hurt someone.

In my opinion, all marriages could do with some sessions like these every few years. They make sure everyone’s happy and stops things like this creeping into a marriage.

4. Accept he’s not perfect

If it’s very mild and clearly not his usual behavior. Perhaps you may be able to accept it in exceptional circumstances.

Remember though, you have a right to be treated with respect at all times and if it’s getting you down. Then say something to him.

It also can not last forever. However, if you love him and it’s not affecting you. You may be able to overlook what could be part of his personality.

5. Give him an ultimatum

If it’s gone on for long enough, you could threaten him with the end of your marriage if it doesn’t stop.

This could be the final warning to him. You’re letting him know there are consequences if it doesn’t stop.

This may be what it takes if he doesn’t take anything else seriously. It should work if he has any respect for you and the vows he took.

What the future holds

You may be thinking about the present when it comes to this problem. But it may be worth considering the outcome for you both and what could happen.

If he continues to put you down

If you’ve done everything above to try and get him to stop and you’ve given him an ultimatum. If it’s getting you down and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop.

You need to have a serious think about whether you want to leave your husband. Do you want to live a life where someone constantly puts you down?

It’s a big decision to make, but sometimes it’s for the best. There are services available all over the country for women who’s husbands are doing this to them.

If there are children involved, it makes it even more complicated. It’s better than have them witness this kind of relationship from their mother and father.

If he stops putting you down

Hopefully you’ve got a good man who’s recognized the error of his ways. He knows what he was doing wasn’t right and he’s done something about it.

You need to make sure he stays that way. Don’t let it creep back into your marriage and ensure you’re treated with dignity and respect.

You can live your life in a carefree and happy way. You and your husband can express yourselves in a productive way with each other.

Final thoughts

There is no good reason for a husband to put his wife down. The fact you recognize what he’s doing means it’s probably affecting you already.

It’s a cowardly thing to do, to take any personal issues out on someone else. That’s what he’s doing, so you need to take action to get him to stop.

He needs to know exactly what he does and how it makes you feel. He needs to know it’s up to him to do something about it and there are consequences if he doesn’t.

A husband who cares will take steps to curb his bad behavior and make amends. If he does, the future looks bright and your marriage could be stronger out of this.

If he continues putting you down. Think about what you want to do. Make a plan of action for yourself and make sure you have somewhere to go if it comes to it.

Emma Taylor

I'm a relationship expert with years of experience who's given advice to hundreds of people. I hope you've found some good advice here too.

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